Week 2: Humility, Struggle, and Peace

This second week really painfully hammered humility into me - but it also brought a lot of peace. I continue to struggle in very real ways with thoughts toward inadequacy and fear. It's just amazing how real these pains are! But, I received some great teaching and had some wonderful conversations that eased my soul in unexpected and incredible ways.

The church took a retreat this last weekend to a resort-style place up in the mountains about two hours from the Ram 2 area (where we live and where the church is). The peace alone of driving into the mountains is hard to express. As we drove up I remembered last summer at Ridge Haven (the camp I worked at in the NC mountains), and yearned for that fellowship and peace again. I listened to some of the hymns we sang from last summer on my mp3 player and felt some of the deepest longing to be in a place on earth that I've ever felt in my life. That really points you to how real my feelings of being alone still are.

But, that weekend in the mountains proved to be the climax of the last thirteen days, and probably the most important thing so far in directing me to how to view this summer. First, a man named Natee - the man whose little girl is going through the medical problems that I wrote about earlier in March - brought solid and beautiful teaching on how we understand where God is calling us to. As I sat next to Dave - the team leader, who very much took me under his wing that weekend - and heard the translation of Natee's teaching, I began realizing in small ways how God is using this summer. Through a conversation with Dave and one with Natee, I've realized how directed this summer is toward my heart and growth. As Dave said in an interview about short term teams (which translates to interns in some ways, too), "I guess first then we would take them because of what we believe God wants to do in their hearts while they are here. Secondarily we take them because of the assistance they can bring in helping us accomplish our church planting goals." In his teaching, Natee opened up to us the truth that God maily uses three things to guide us into our calling: our spiritual gifts, our ministry passions, and the need that we see. I fully believe that this summer is beginning a time for me to really hone in on where I'm gifted and where my heart of hearts for ministry lies.

So, I am daily struggling with the fact that I just can't build the kind of relationships I want to with these Thai people. I want to be able to share my heart with them - and I just can't! I am so thankful that me and my roommate Pat have begun sharing a much stronger relationship. (In fact, I think that a large part of my ministry will be encouraging him.) But even in that I've realized that language allows for understanding in a way that nothing else does, and so there is and will be some disconnect since we just can't communicate fully. Then there's how I now fear that I won't walk away from this summer with the kind of perspective and understanding that I should. Yet, I have so much less burden to somehow be superhuman. God will do in me exactly as He wants, and at the end of the summer, I think it will be good. Besides that, I'll do ministry as creatively as possible, and I'll seek to love these people I'm with, but it's ultimately up to the Lord as to how things turn out. What a comforting thought. As Natee told me, we often just don't live out what we believe in all areas of our life...But God is in control.

So, maybe you're wondering what I can add to my list of new things I've done/seen in this wacky world of Thailand? Here's what I've got so far: I learned to play "slave" (a card game), I ate dragonfruit, I took part in a bus "dance party" (let me tell you, the buses here are crazy; they're all rainbow colored and have spotlights, disco lights, and heavy-duty speakers inside), I used an open-air urinal with cars driving by not too far away, I rode a tube with a Thai guy down a river next to a dam, and burned my mouth pretty much daily with the staple Thai spices. Guess I'll just keep the new experiences rolling.

Again, I want you to know how to specifically be praying for me, this church, and these people. And each week I see even further how deeply I need prayer; I'm just so incapable, and the people at this church cannot acccomplish anything worthwhile - we struggle and fear, and we need God to work (which He does largely through His people's involvement in prayer).
-My growth and heart. Seeing how I hope for the Lord to begin giving me understanding to my passion in ministry and view of missions, I need His hand to guide me there. Also, I continue to feel alone - especially in the mornings - and to see my inadequacy.
-New City Fellowship. This church lacks mature believers to lead it, and we are hoping to see the Christians within the church begin to take hold of the ministries of the church.
-The MTW team and the church staff. There is so much transition, constantly, and especially this summer. One family left Monday morning, another intern leaves in July, I leave in July, the group of 10 interns comes in May and leaves in July, and only two families will be left. It's hard on the team and it's hard on the Thai believers at the church.

I wish you all were here alongside of me to experience and see the work going on here. But, I have to leave you just with this short (but longer than I meant) journal of this time. I love all of you. Thank you for your care.