Week 12: The Beginning of the End

Firstly, I apologize for this post not coming until Wednesday. Yesterday and the day before I was with the intern team in the beach city of Hua Hin, being refreshed and seeking to collect this experience within myself. It seems that these last two days have proven that the end of this is beginning. Add to that the personal pains and revelations that I've fallen into and we've got one intense week to work through.

Monday morning the team of interns, me, and Tim drove to Hua Hin. This beautiful city served as the setting for two days of joy, peace, fun, and reflection. In some way, I realized emotionally over the course of those two days that this experience is ending. The rest that comes at the end of a long journey - the time in which you finally have opportunity to release your tension and ponder the consequences of what you've just journeyed through - seemed to begin on that trip. I do, however, have two and a half more weeks of service and life here. But, it seems plain that not many more new relationships will legitimately start in these two weeks. If anything, the cookout, the arts festival, and the overnight trip to the mountains will be opportunities to solidify the love for those I've come to know and to sufficiently close out my time with them. I hope to pass on as many of these relationships as possible to the Thai believers and/or the career missionaries. Yet, once again I'm in a position of feeling helpless to accomplish anything of lasting value. There's really so little time, and my emotions are now making their exit from this country.

The beginning of these closing feelings has been compounded by the amount of inner struggle I've found myself in. Interactions with the other interns opened the eyes of my soul to some very significant wounds which have afflicted me and inner lies that I've been believing. It's painful to realize the depths from which my soul needs to be redeemed. But good to be aware of my failures and pains, so that I can see them healed. I'm sorry that this is all so vague; I generally wouldn't write that way! But it seems most appropriate to now.

Then there's these decisions I need to make. Exactly where do I go practically from here? What do I do with the collection of experiences I'm leaving here with? How much time and rest do I really need in order to work through the implications of this experience? I am hoping for wisdom, and trusting in God's complete control regardless of my decision. Yet, confusion and anxiety arise within me too often.

I guess it comes down to this: I trust my God; I know that my life is intimately tied to those who do not have the good news that I believe is only found in Jesus Christ. But I just don't know what enjoying and glorifying God looks like from here - how do I remain faithful to my divinely given desires and gifts, and what needs to happen as the immediate next step? I stood on the fifth floor balcony overlooking the Bay of Thailand on Tuesday night and felt a longing for the land of heaven that I know I'm made for. I longed for that rest and peace, and for my God. But in order to see that glorious sunset and world of clouds and mountains, I had to look over the heads of Thai people, over the tops of a rundown home below me, and over the city of Hua Hin. I know that my foremost purpose now and forevermore is to enjoy and point to the Lord; but part of that purpose is seeking the good and joy of the people and places around me that don't know that joy.

How about a few funny experiences from the past week? While going to the bathroom at the national park I laughed with my friend Hank for about five minutes over a 4-Step instructional card inside the toilet stall on how to use the bathroom - with a girl in a skirt whose eyes were only open for one of the pictures; I came home to two Thai girls alone in our house, folding our plastic grocery bags; I saw one of our friends sitting on our couch singing karaoke to herself into our remote control while watching the TV karaoke (man, they love some karaoke); and I finally saw an elephant - on the road in front of our van on the travel back to Bangkok from Hua Hin.

As has been obvious, the Lord has worked not only in the lives of the Thais around us, but in my very heart. And I continue to believe that He is doing this largely through His people coming in deep concern before Him for that work to happen. Here's how we continue to need prayer:
-My Soul. I continue to work through personal issues and try to decide what steps to take once I return to the states.
-Endurance. I and all the interns need endurance that we can't create on our own to love and serve the Thais and missionaries we're with. It's something I know most of us are finding hard to have.
-Campus Ministry. Friday we have a cookout, which will be our last big campus outreach, and also one of our last opportunties to pass on our relationships to Christians who are here more long-term.
-Those leaving. Melanie, my close missionary friend, who has been here two years, is returning to the states on Sunday. Kiki, one of the intern team leaders, is leaving Thursday (as may be one of the interns Erin). Dave's wife (the team leader), Jan, is going home for a time.

I know only in part what these experiences have meant, but I hope for the Lord to make them all work for good. "But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3.13-14...May we continue to strain forward.